[The way he's avoiding Haruka's eyes stings, a bit, but he can't take it personally. If it was anyone else? He'd probably be annoyed, or insulted, but it's Xiao. Xiao is too important for petty feelings like that, and all he wants is to make things better.
It feels like his heart is breaking, seeing how sad Xiao looks, and Haruka takes one of his hands, holding it with both of his own.]
I love you.
[He lets out a slow breath.]
I love you, and you've done so much more for me then I think you even know, and you didn't fail anyone, and you're not weak for being so upset. You're allowed to be more then just the... the proud, powerful yaksha you are.
[He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, wondering if any of this is even the right thing to say. He's just rambling, he knows, but it's about all he can do to not start crying himself.]
It's okay to be sad. This... might be the only time you'll be able to actually let yourself be sad, so you should. D-don't be an idiot and try to tell yourself this is a bad thing.
[ Xiao looks at him as he speaks. Haruka is trying so hard and putting his heart out there for Xiao to see, more than usual. His hands are warm and comforting while everything else feels so cold.
Xiao listens, processes what Haruka's saying. It's been a long day. He doesn't think he's ever had a day quite like this one before in his millennia being alive.
Haruka may feel like he's just rambling, but Xiao squeezes his hand, and places his free one over Haruka's knuckles. ]
I love you, too. And...thank you, Haruka. You have done so much for me, too.
[ A beat. ]
I...will do my best to follow your advice. I will get my act together for the trial. For now, though --
[He wraps his arms around Xiao, holding him tightly. For as long as Xiao needs to be held, he'll sit here. Those stupid catbots will have to drag him off if they want him to move when Xiao's not ready.]
[He gives Xiao a crooked smile. His eyes are watery, but... He knows that with Xiao at his side, he can handle what comes next. Being around him makes him feel better, even if all Haruka wants to do is cry. Hopefully this... is repaying the favor.]
[ Funny, that, because Xiao is starting to feel the same way. He knows that he cannot go home with Haruka, that he's tied to Liyue -- by choice, mind you -- but he's going to remember and savor every moment they get to spend together, here. Including this one, even if he feels some kind of way about letting his defenses drop for the first time in a while.
He's quiet, but he reaches for Haruka's hand again, holds it like it's the most precious thing he'll ever touch. ]
[Haruka smiles at him, soft and still a little sad, but... It's fine. It's fine for the moment, anyways. He's not worried about the upcoming trial just yet, forcing himself to focus on Xiao and the here and now, and... he feels better, even if he's sure Xiao still feels out of sorts.]
[ He will, too. The trial is being shoved to the back of his mind in favor of Haruka, and while he can't manage another smile, his expression at least turns a little more pensive. Better than being sad. ]
...Haruka. I don't know when we'll see each other after this. I cannot leave Liyue behind.
[ It might be months. Years. Lifetimes. And yet -- ]
Even so, I will search for a way to do so. The Traveler may know, but his journey is not one that I want to interrupt. [ ... ] I understand if waiting is too much of an ask, however. You don't need to wait for me.
[ He gently brushes his thumb over Haruka's knuckles. ]
Your happiness is too important for me to be greedy.
[ Even if he's not sure if he'll ever feel this way about anyone else. ]
[Haruka pulls back, just slightly, stunned and... and he's not sure how he's feeling, honestly.
He knew that no matter what, Xiao would return to his home. He has to - he's got important reasons to return, and Haruka isn't sure he wants to leave Japan, either...
Or if they'll even get a choice.]
What... what are you saying?
[It feels so... final. The idea of not seeing Xiao again after this terrifies Haruka, even if he knows expecting things to work out perfectly and that Xiao will always be there when he wakes up in the morning is foolish. He should be used to this feeling, but this... is a new, different sort of pain. It's different then being thrown aside by Kujou, and it's different from Ryou throwing a tantrum and trying to break ZOOL for his own means. It's...
Xiao is someone who cares for him. Someone who actually wants him to be happy, but he doesn't want to think about being happy without Xiao. Could he actually move on? He knows he's young, and he's been drifting along with such little thought or plans for the future, that... Maybe he could, but does he want to? He can't imagine meeting anyone like Xiao in Tokyo, and he can't... He can't imagine meeting anyone he could talk to, about this. He can't just pretend this never happened, but everyone will think he's insane...
Telling him that he'll find a way to get to Haruka but that he should wait for him... It hurts.
Haruka looks down, falling silent, and starts to cry. He doesn't have any idea what to do, or say, or think, and the future is just as uncertain and terrible as when Touma asked him what he wanted to do all that time ago.]
[ Guilt settles in Xiao's chest when he sees Haruka cry. Should he have waited? Should he have put this conversation off until the inevitable end of their journey, here? He's not sure. All he knows is that Haruka deserves honesty, and it's all Xiao ever wants to give him.
Xiao leans in and pulls Haruka in for an embrace. His own breathing starts getting shaky again, and before he knows it, he's starting to feel overcome with emotion again. He almost cries, too, but he focuses on gently rubbing Haruka's back.
He doesn't know what he can say to make it better, but he wants to try. Seeing Haruka like this only makes him want to look deeper into ways where they can see each other again. ]
Haruka...
[ His other hand moves to find Haruka's. ]
...No, I -- I don't think I should leave things at that.
[ He exhales deeply, quietly. ]
Regardless of what you decide to do, I'd like to find you again and hear about everything that I might have missed. ... I have rarely ever allowed myself to have desires like this, but this experience has moved me in a way I was not expecting. If the Traveler was able to enter Teyvat from another world, then I am certain there is a way in which I can do the same for you.
[ Even if he'll never hear the end of it from the other adepti. Even if it seems like a foolish dream. In his moments of rest, he will move mountains and tear down the sky to make his way to Haruka, even if only for a little while. ]
We will see each other again. I promise you that. So...I want you to continue fighting. If not for yourself, then at least for that reason. I will be looking forward to it, myself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It feels like his heart is breaking, seeing how sad Xiao looks, and Haruka takes one of his hands, holding it with both of his own.]
I love you.
[He lets out a slow breath.]
I love you, and you've done so much more for me then I think you even know, and you didn't fail anyone, and you're not weak for being so upset. You're allowed to be more then just the... the proud, powerful yaksha you are.
[He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, wondering if any of this is even the right thing to say. He's just rambling, he knows, but it's about all he can do to not start crying himself.]
It's okay to be sad. This... might be the only time you'll be able to actually let yourself be sad, so you should. D-don't be an idiot and try to tell yourself this is a bad thing.
no subject
Xiao listens, processes what Haruka's saying. It's been a long day. He doesn't think he's ever had a day quite like this one before in his millennia being alive.
Haruka may feel like he's just rambling, but Xiao squeezes his hand, and places his free one over Haruka's knuckles. ]
I love you, too. And...thank you, Haruka. You have done so much for me, too.
[ A beat. ]
I...will do my best to follow your advice. I will get my act together for the trial. For now, though --
[ He moves in to lean on his partner. ]
no subject
Don't think about the trial yet. Just...
[...]
Just focus on this moment.
[They'll have to take things one step at a time.]
no subject
He pulls back, but not to withdraw again. He puts his hands on Haruka's shoulders and leans forward, pressing their foreheads together. ]
Thank you.
no subject
But only metaphorically.]
You're welcome.
[He gives Xiao a crooked smile. His eyes are watery, but... He knows that with Xiao at his side, he can handle what comes next. Being around him makes him feel better, even if all Haruka wants to do is cry. Hopefully this... is repaying the favor.]
no subject
Did I make you feel this way?
[ He feels a little guilty, for that. Xiao... ]
1/2
2/3 i keep lying about how many tags i'm doing
Idiot, I'm not upset just because you're upset!
done
Like, I don't like seeing you sad, but... it's not your fault if I'm sad, too.
no subject
The realization that he's being silly starts to sink in, though, and he can't help but smile a little. ]
...I will keep that in mind.
[ The smile is still a little sad, though, and once it fades, he goes back to leaning on Haruka. At least he's not crying anymore... ]
no subject
You better.
[It's a relief to see Xiao no longer smiling, though, and even giving him a smile, weak as it may be. It's just a sign that they'll get through this.
Strange, that he's finally starting to think of the two of them like this, as so inseperable, when their time here is running out.]
no subject
He's quiet, but he reaches for Haruka's hand again, holds it like it's the most precious thing he'll ever touch. ]
no subject
...
[He's going to miss this.]
no subject
...Haruka. I don't know when we'll see each other after this. I cannot leave Liyue behind.
[ It might be months. Years. Lifetimes. And yet -- ]
Even so, I will search for a way to do so. The Traveler may know, but his journey is not one that I want to interrupt. [ ... ] I understand if waiting is too much of an ask, however. You don't need to wait for me.
[ He gently brushes his thumb over Haruka's knuckles. ]
Your happiness is too important for me to be greedy.
[ Even if he's not sure if he'll ever feel this way about anyone else. ]
no subject
He knew that no matter what, Xiao would return to his home. He has to - he's got important reasons to return, and Haruka isn't sure he wants to leave Japan, either...
Or if they'll even get a choice.]
What... what are you saying?
[It feels so... final. The idea of not seeing Xiao again after this terrifies Haruka, even if he knows expecting things to work out perfectly and that Xiao will always be there when he wakes up in the morning is foolish. He should be used to this feeling, but this... is a new, different sort of pain. It's different then being thrown aside by Kujou, and it's different from Ryou throwing a tantrum and trying to break ZOOL for his own means. It's...
Xiao is someone who cares for him. Someone who actually wants him to be happy, but he doesn't want to think about being happy without Xiao. Could he actually move on? He knows he's young, and he's been drifting along with such little thought or plans for the future, that... Maybe he could, but does he want to? He can't imagine meeting anyone like Xiao in Tokyo, and he can't... He can't imagine meeting anyone he could talk to, about this. He can't just pretend this never happened, but everyone will think he's insane...
Telling him that he'll find a way to get to Haruka but that he should wait for him... It hurts.
Haruka looks down, falling silent, and starts to cry. He doesn't have any idea what to do, or say, or think, and the future is just as uncertain and terrible as when Touma asked him what he wanted to do all that time ago.]
no subject
Xiao leans in and pulls Haruka in for an embrace. His own breathing starts getting shaky again, and before he knows it, he's starting to feel overcome with emotion again. He almost cries, too, but he focuses on gently rubbing Haruka's back.
He doesn't know what he can say to make it better, but he wants to try. Seeing Haruka like this only makes him want to look deeper into ways where they can see each other again. ]
Haruka...
[ His other hand moves to find Haruka's. ]
...No, I -- I don't think I should leave things at that.
[ He exhales deeply, quietly. ]
Regardless of what you decide to do, I'd like to find you again and hear about everything that I might have missed. ... I have rarely ever allowed myself to have desires like this, but this experience has moved me in a way I was not expecting. If the Traveler was able to enter Teyvat from another world, then I am certain there is a way in which I can do the same for you.
[ Even if he'll never hear the end of it from the other adepti. Even if it seems like a foolish dream. In his moments of rest, he will move mountains and tear down the sky to make his way to Haruka, even if only for a little while. ]
We will see each other again. I promise you that. So...I want you to continue fighting. If not for yourself, then at least for that reason. I will be looking forward to it, myself.