[A part of him doesn’t know what to say, because what can he say in this moment? If only he was stronger, was more like Wei Wuxian or Billy Butcher, and wasn’t so sensitive and weak…]
[ Haruka may be weak, physically, but Xiao has quite a bit to be grateful for when it comes to him, thus far. It's why there's a strange tugging at his chest when he hears that Haruka is scared. ]
I don’t know how long it’s going to take before someone decides that… I should be the one dying.
[But if only it were just that. Xiao has always been so… patient with him, even if Haruka’s not sure he deserves it, but his presence is soothing and that means Haruka keeps talking.]
…Xiao-san, that’s not going to make me any less worried about you. I know you’ve probably seen more then I ever could imagine, and that you’re strong, but… but someone could still hurt you, and that would be…
[ He isn't sure what to say to this. Being met with so much genuine care and concern -- Doctor Baizhu and Qiqi had shown it to him, as have others like Aether and Rex Lapis. Even Hu Tao. But seeing someone so scared for his well-being is different, aside from the one time he'd almost died in the Chasm. ]
If it is my safety that's eating away at you, then it's fair for me to say that I've been concerned for yours.
[ So...they're worried about each other, it seems. ]
[ He's crying again. He's that worried, is he? Xiao considers Haruka's request and hesitates once again. Like with Nona, he's afraid that he'll hurt Haruka, that being even this close to him is going to allow his Karma to get to him.
He may as well be upfront about that. ]
...I... It isn't that I don't want to. It's -- I have to be careful.
[ He closes his eyes. ]
My profile states that I have accumulated Karmic Debt. It's an energy that I don't want to spread to you, Haruka.
[ He exhales, though. He remembers how it felt to hold Nona's hand, to have something so raw and genuine. It's a feeling he hasn't experienced in some time, now, and while the wiser part of him is telling him to leave, the more selfish part of him is keeping him from doing so. ]
...You can do what you'd like with that knowledge. I don't want to hurt you, either way.
[ He turns to look at Haruka. He looks unsure still, that maybe he should clarify what Haruka is getting himself into, though it seems like he might already know.
Xiao looks down at the shoreline again. He seems to contemplate this for a moment, but somehow, leaving Haruka here when he's asked him to stay feels worse. ]
Fine. I will stay here for a while longer.
[ He makes no effort to move, though, for aforementioned reasons. ]
[ Xiao's instinct is to pull back and leave before Haruka can get drawn in to the darkness that surrounds him. He doesn't want Haruka to get hurt. He wants to protect him, shield him from anyone that might take advantage of the fact that he's an ordinary human being. But...perhaps part of that protection also entails keeping him hopeful during, presumably, one of the bleakest points in his life.
He's not sure, either way. All he knows is that Haruka's company is not unwanted. ]
It's fine.
[ He nods once, and looks upwards. The moon is already out. Then, he glances back at Haruka. ]
[ He does the same, falls quiet as he looks out at the horizon. ]
It's been a long time since I've been among mortals, for better or worse. If I were to appear in the city and make myself known, an Adepti -- an ancient being -- that would not bode well for its citizens.
[ He pauses, chooses his words a little more carefully. ]
It's rare to see a mortal so concerned for my wellbeing over his own, knowing what I am and what I'm capable of, no matter how foolish it may be. And I have learned certain things, being here. [ ... ] Such as karaoke.
[The gratitude is strange - Haruka doesn’t think he’s done anything all that special, or that his concern is all that noteworthy. He knows he’s not the kindest person, and he knows he’s done objectionable things, but…
If Xiao appreciated silly things like dragging him into karaoke, who is he to argue?]
…We should do it again. Or more things like it.
[Maybe another island will show up, with more things to see on it.]
[ Surprisingly, Xiao doesn't take long to give Haruka an answer. ]
I wouldn't mind.
[ To put it simply. His profile says that he's not interested in mortal culture, and he's not about to admit that he's curious, but the way his expression is more relaxed implies that this is something he would like to do. ]
[Haruka scoots a bit closer, and while it's a little awkward with their difference in height, he leans to rest his head against Xiao's shoulder. He'd like a hug, especially with how horrible he feels right now, but...
He can't bring himself to ask for that, yet. But a touch like this might be okay, even if Haruka really just wants to be coddled right now.]
[ Xiao's eyes widen when he feels Haruka's head go on his shoulder. This sort of proximity is completely foreign to him -- he can't recall the last time anyone got this close to him. Some would say Haruka is a brave soul for daring to do this, but despite how Xiao stiffens, he's also not going to push the other away. ]
...
[ He's not sure what to do, but his right hand moves over to hover over Haruka's shoulder, tentatively -- and then he rests his palm on top of it. Xiao turns his head and looks down at him. ]
Are you feeling alright?
[ Xiao's tone doesn't indicate that he wants Haruka to pull back. He's genuinely concerned that the other isn't feeling well. ]
[ He's not wrong. Xiao can't even deny that it feels nice to be in someone else's company like this, someone who just wants to be near him. He's still wary, and it shows in how he pauses, because his karma -- ]
I won't argue against that. But -- my power...it can drive people mad. It can turn them into monsters. You are especially susceptible to it, Haruka, because you don't have any powers.
[ He ducks his head a little, but doesn't move his hand. ]
[ The responsible thing to do would be to walk away from this, break Haruka's spirits if only for a little while, and keep him safe. However, Xiao, who's normally so composed and sure of himself, is finding that he's more uncertain than ever.
Paimon and Aether had relayed Ushi's words to him, once. "We should just spend our lives around the people who make us happiest."
"...even though the power of a yaksha may be harmful to other people, it doesn't mean you shouldn't hang out with them."
The other yaksha had spoken to him like this before, too. They had dreamed of living like mortals once everything was said and done, and Xiao had been the lone yaksha who couldn't see himself doing so. But ever since the Chasm, ever since that talk with Aether and Paimon, Xiao has found it increasingly more difficult to stay away from pursuing what makes him happy. The Lantern Rite was the first time he'd been around so many people, and while it made him nervous, it also wasn't entirely bad. Celebrating his birthday with those he cared about brought feelings of bliss he hadn't felt in years.
Being on this island, as horrible as it is, has amplified the need to feel that all over again. Perhaps it's wrong to be around Haruka, knowing everything, but if he would truly feel worse not being able to spend time together...
Xiao closes his eyes, subconsciously squeezes Haruka's shoulder. He still doesn't know how long he'd like to stay, but: ]
[Make it count… Yes, they’ll have to, especially with no idea how long this is going to last. They might have weeks to spend together, or it might only be a matter of days. Either way, being so close to Xiao like this is comforting, and he relaxes further. He feels a bit bad for leaning on him like this, but he probably would have said something if he really didn’t mind…
Or at least that’s what Haruka tells himself, as he closes his eyes.]
Thank you, Xiao-san. For… being here for me, and everything else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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…I’m scared of what’s going to happen next.
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In what way?
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[But if only it were just that. Xiao has always been so… patient with him, even if Haruka’s not sure he deserves it, but his presence is soothing and that means Haruka keeps talking.]
And I’m scared of you getting hurt, too…
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[ He says that with utmost certainty. ]
Worry about yourself; and even then...remember what I told you last week. I will be there if you need me.
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[It would be horrible. Plain and simple.]
I don’t know how to not be worried.
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[ He isn't sure what to say to this. Being met with so much genuine care and concern -- Doctor Baizhu and Qiqi had shown it to him, as have others like Aether and Rex Lapis. Even Hu Tao. But seeing someone so scared for his well-being is different, aside from the one time he'd almost died in the Chasm. ]
If it is my safety that's eating away at you, then it's fair for me to say that I've been concerned for yours.
[ So...they're worried about each other, it seems. ]
I'm not sure what to do to put your mind at ease.
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…I don’t know either.
[He laughs, weakly. There’s no way to guarantee either of their safety.]
Can you just… stay with me for a moment?
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He may as well be upfront about that. ]
...I... It isn't that I don't want to. It's -- I have to be careful.
[ He closes his eyes. ]
My profile states that I have accumulated Karmic Debt. It's an energy that I don't want to spread to you, Haruka.
[ He exhales, though. He remembers how it felt to hold Nona's hand, to have something so raw and genuine. It's a feeling he hasn't experienced in some time, now, and while the wiser part of him is telling him to leave, the more selfish part of him is keeping him from doing so. ]
...You can do what you'd like with that knowledge. I don't want to hurt you, either way.
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But…]
I don’t care about it.
[He looks over at Xiao, voice soft.]
I don’t know that I get it… but what’s the harm? I’m already in danger all the time anyways, and I’d rather spend more time with you then without you.
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Xiao looks down at the shoreline again. He seems to contemplate this for a moment, but somehow, leaving Haruka here when he's asked him to stay feels worse. ]
Fine. I will stay here for a while longer.
[ He makes no effort to move, though, for aforementioned reasons. ]
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Thank you, Xiao-san.
[He’s quiet, before he scoots over the sand, closer to Xiao.]
Is this okay…?
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He's not sure, either way. All he knows is that Haruka's company is not unwanted. ]
It's fine.
[ He nods once, and looks upwards. The moon is already out. Then, he glances back at Haruka. ]
Do you have anyone else looking after you?
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[It's been such a long day... that "trial", if you could call it that, didn't seem so long...]
Everyone knows I'm weak, after all, but I don't know.
[...]
Considering some of those people are Lobelia-san and Kanon-chan...
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[ That man...no. Just no. ]
And quit calling yourself weak. What you lack in physical strength, you make up for in other ways.
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[Which. He is trying so hard not to think about what he does with all of them???
Making up for his physical weakness in other ways... Haruka shoots him a curious look, before looking out over the sea.]
What do you mean by that, Xiao-san?
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It's been a long time since I've been among mortals, for better or worse. If I were to appear in the city and make myself known, an Adepti -- an ancient being -- that would not bode well for its citizens.
[ He pauses, chooses his words a little more carefully. ]
It's rare to see a mortal so concerned for my wellbeing over his own, knowing what I am and what I'm capable of, no matter how foolish it may be. And I have learned certain things, being here. [ ... ] Such as karaoke.
[ He sounds grateful. ]
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If Xiao appreciated silly things like dragging him into karaoke, who is he to argue?]
…We should do it again. Or more things like it.
[Maybe another island will show up, with more things to see on it.]
If you want to.
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I wouldn't mind.
[ To put it simply. His profile says that he's not interested in mortal culture, and he's not about to admit that he's curious, but the way his expression is more relaxed implies that this is something he would like to do. ]
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He can't bring himself to ask for that, yet. But a touch like this might be okay, even if Haruka really just wants to be coddled right now.]
Good. I'll hold you to that, Xiao-san.
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...
[ He's not sure what to do, but his right hand moves over to hover over Haruka's shoulder, tentatively -- and then he rests his palm on top of it. Xiao turns his head and looks down at him. ]
Are you feeling alright?
[ Xiao's tone doesn't indicate that he wants Haruka to pull back. He's genuinely concerned that the other isn't feeling well. ]
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[It’s a little huffy, a little pouty, because he’s trying to have a moment here.]
It’s just… nice to be close like this every once in a while. Don’t you think so?
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...I...
[ He's not wrong. Xiao can't even deny that it feels nice to be in someone else's company like this, someone who just wants to be near him. He's still wary, and it shows in how he pauses, because his karma -- ]
I won't argue against that. But -- my power...it can drive people mad. It can turn them into monsters. You are especially susceptible to it, Haruka, because you don't have any powers.
[ He ducks his head a little, but doesn't move his hand. ]
I don't want to hurt you.
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And… lonely.
How long has Xiao spent, keeping his distance for fear of what his presence can do to them? Has he… seen it happen?
He doesn’t just want to dismiss it, but…]
It’s okay, Xiao-san. I know you would never hurt me intentionally. I know I should probably be worried now that you’ve told me all this, but…
[Maybe the pros outweigh the risk.]
I still would rather spend time with you, Xiao-san. Even if it’s dangerous for me.
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Paimon and Aether had relayed Ushi's words to him, once. "We should just spend our lives around the people who make us happiest."
"...even though the power of a yaksha may be harmful to other people, it doesn't mean you shouldn't hang out with them."
The other yaksha had spoken to him like this before, too. They had dreamed of living like mortals once everything was said and done, and Xiao had been the lone yaksha who couldn't see himself doing so. But ever since the Chasm, ever since that talk with Aether and Paimon, Xiao has found it increasingly more difficult to stay away from pursuing what makes him happy. The Lantern Rite was the first time he'd been around so many people, and while it made him nervous, it also wasn't entirely bad. Celebrating his birthday with those he cared about brought feelings of bliss he hadn't felt in years.
Being on this island, as horrible as it is, has amplified the need to feel that all over again. Perhaps it's wrong to be around Haruka, knowing everything, but if he would truly feel worse not being able to spend time together...
Xiao closes his eyes, subconsciously squeezes Haruka's shoulder. He still doesn't know how long he'd like to stay, but: ]
We'll make it count, then.
[ He tugs him a little closer. ]
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Or at least that’s what Haruka tells himself, as he closes his eyes.]
Thank you, Xiao-san. For… being here for me, and everything else.
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