[ After the trial, Xiao's instinct is to walk towards Haruka and leave the area with him. He takes a few steps forward, but stops himself, looks away. Haruka wanted to be left alone, right? At least, that's how Xiao interpreted what he said, and it stings.
He's about to turn and walk away, but he glances up again, towards his partner across the way, and locks eyes with him. It looks like Xiao wants to reach out and say something, but he's still standing in place, not sure what to do with himself. ]
[Haruka catches his eye, and he hesitates for a moment. He feels as if he’s misstepped somewhere, that he said or did something wrong, and he knows exactly what it is.
[ He misunderstood, then. Suddenly, he feels a little embarrassed, but he shoves that aside in favor of answering Haruka's question. He nods almost immediately. ]
We should.
[ He takes a step forward and slides his fingers through Haruka's. ]
[He nods, squeezing Xiao’s hand and leading him away, towards the beach because he’s not sure where else to go right now. The beach is kind of… where most major things happen between them, anyways.
He stops at a quiet spot, before sitting down and pulling his knees to his chest.]
…I just don’t know why so many people here seem to not care about what’s going to happen because of the things they do.
[He looks over at Xiao, frowning.]
It seems stupid to keep getting yourself hurt without realizing there’s a better way to do it, but I knew kicking up a fuss was… not helping us figure out who killed Skywarp. Not that we figured it out anyways…
[ Xiao can't say he's surprised. Haruka's lead a more civilian-oriented lifestyle, despite being a prominent figure back at home. He hasn't quite faced the same perils that people like Shuda and Temenos probably have.
Like Xiao has.
It doesn't mean that Haruka doesn't know pain and suffering. It's just...different. Maybe he can put his feelings in a way that might be easier for Haruka to understand. ]
While I agree that they were reckless in their approaches today, I sympathize. I was once chided for the same thing, not too long ago.
[He wants to know. He wants to know about all the horrible things Xiao’s faced, even if he knows it will change nothing and it’ll be incredibly upsetting.
Still. He cares for Xiao. He might even love him, so it means he wants to know the good and the bad.]
[ He nods. He and Haruka have come this far already, and since Haruka had shared some intimate details about his past, Xiao feels that he should do the same.
He summarizes how he was owned by a malicious god, and the deeds he was forced to carry out by them; how Rex Lapis saved his life, and how he became a yaksha because of it. What he details, however, are his experiences in the Chasm, going down there to find out what became of the Nameless Yaksha – ]
...I had a plan to sacrifice myself to let the others escape. None of them were in favor of it. Yelan had insisted that there were other options that we should explore before it came down to that...and thankfully, there were.
[ Fast forward to the Compass, going up to the surface – ]
In the end, I couldn't maintain the energy flow long enough for all of us to emerge. ... I was willing to lose my life to save all of theirs. I almost did, but Rex Lapis stepped in and brought me to the surface. I was spared because of him.
[ ... ]
When you've gone through certain experiences, you start to learn what you can and cannot handle. Up until that day, I had believed that I was destined to have a life of misery, but it was one I was willing to live to atone for everything I'd done. Death was something that I had prepared myself for, and it was a consequence that I was ready to accept. Then, the Traveler and I had a chat that shifted my perspective. I began to realize and accept that there were people who cared for my safety...that we were heroes, and that we would look out for one another.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I don't know if I could call myself one now, after this experience. Still, I can at least say that being here, talking to others, meeting you – it's added more value to my life than I thought it would.
[ Xiao softens. His shoulders relax. He looks at Haruka, and he reaches for his hand again. ]
And for that reason, I will fight until the bitter end, and I will only lay down my weapon if there are truly no other options. Rest assured, however, that I have zero plans on doing just that...and you are one of those I must thank for it.
[He’s quiet while Xiao speaks, taking in everything. It’s so much, and Haruka almost can’t believe all of it. How can one person be put through so much…
It explains a lot about Xiao, though. It explains so much about why he is the way that he is, and Haruka wishes he hadn’t gone through so much pain.
He squeezes Xiao’s hand, brow furrowing. He’s at a loss for words, truth be told, but after a moment he nods.]
If you ever change your mind and decide to sacrifice yourself, I’m going to kick your ass.
[It’s an empty threat and they both know it, but Haruka finds it hard to get out anything more sincere. His eyes stings and he can feel that his lips are trembling with emotions that he can’t let out.]
[ Xiao lets out a quiet laugh at Haruka's empty threat, but when he looks at Haruka's expression, how he's trembling and looks like he might burst into tears, Xiao softens. He lifts a hand, gently wipes away any stray tears that may come from Haruka's eyes. ]
I am glad you're here, too.
[ Xiao's hand moves to rest on Haruka's cheek, gently caresses it. He's handling his partner with utmost care. ]
I will do everything I can to live, Haruka. I promise you that.
[ ... ]
I don't want to be without you. Even if there will come a time where I must be...that time isn't now. I want to be by your side, not just when things are going well -- I want to be there for everything.
[ He hates that he can't be there for every big moment of Haruka's life, that he will have to prioritize his duties over everything and everyone else, but he hopes that there will be a way in which they can see each other again. The thought of that time never coming, though, is what compels him to continue. ]
You have given me so much, Haruka. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you, for everything you've done for me. ... I just hope that loving you will suffice.
[Haruka blinks at Xiao, his words not quite registering. It's not that that make no sense - except they actually don't make any sense, do they? He understands what he's saying, but there's still a part of him that wonders why him, why now, he doesn't deserve anything like this even if love is something he's been missing and yearning for for so, so long.
"Love" isn't something he's ever had. His grandmother loves him, and his fans love the idea of him, but what he has with Xiao is entirely different. It feels a little silly, a little too dramatic, the thought of being so in love with someone he's only known for weeks, with a life he can hardly comprehend because it seems like something out of some game or anime, but Xiao is real and he's already put his life on the line for Haruka. Maybe it is possible to fall in love so quickly when you're put through impossible things and come out of them together.
He's overthinking things.
He is, but he can't help it, and he does actually start to cry. He's not sure if he's happy or sad or simply overwhelmed by every single thing that's happened in these past for weeks that this is all he can do in response. How embarrassing. His boyfriend just said he loves him and wants to be with him for as long as he can and Haruka is crying pathetically in front of him.]
Xiao...
[He takes a shuddery breath, trying to steady himself.]
You've done a lot for me, i-idiot. You saved my life.
[He won't forget his time in that horrible, monster-filled world any time soon.
He doesn't know what else to say. He's not like Touma, who can be so sincere it's embarrassing, but all he knows is he wants to be by Xiao's side even after they make it out of this place. (Which he prays they do, because he can't imagine making it through the final weeks were something to happen to Xiao.)]
Loving me is more then I could ask for, but I'm not about to let you go.
[ He feels himself soften when Haruka starts crying, and what he says gets Xiao to smile. He continues to brush Haruka's tears away with his thumb, and his other hand gently rubs his boyfriend's back. He moves in, not quite close enough to brush their lips together, but he wants to be in Haruka's orbit.
Gently, he brushes his lips over Haruka's forehead and his cheeks. He pulls back after, and gazes at him with that same smile on his face. ]
I will be here, for as long as I can. ... I love you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 4 post-trial
He's about to turn and walk away, but he glances up again, towards his partner across the way, and locks eyes with him. It looks like Xiao wants to reach out and say something, but he's still standing in place, not sure what to do with himself. ]
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Or he thinks he does, at least.
He steels himself, crossing over to meet Xiao.]
Are you… heading back to the cabanas?
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[ He pauses, but Xiao's gaze stays on Haruka. His expression softens into something more troubled. ]
I...thought you wanted me to leave you alone. I will respect your request, if that's the case.
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…Xiao, I didn’t mean it like that.
[…]
Cam we talk about it? We don’t have to go back to the cabanas just yet.
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We should.
[ He takes a step forward and slides his fingers through Haruka's. ]
I want to understand where you're coming from.
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He stops at a quiet spot, before sitting down and pulling his knees to his chest.]
…I just don’t know why so many people here seem to not care about what’s going to happen because of the things they do.
[He looks over at Xiao, frowning.]
It seems stupid to keep getting yourself hurt without realizing there’s a better way to do it, but I knew kicking up a fuss was… not helping us figure out who killed Skywarp. Not that we figured it out anyways…
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Like Xiao has.
It doesn't mean that Haruka doesn't know pain and suffering. It's just...different. Maybe he can put his feelings in a way that might be easier for Haruka to understand. ]
While I agree that they were reckless in their approaches today, I sympathize. I was once chided for the same thing, not too long ago.
[ He looks at Haruka. ]
I can tell you about it, if you'd like.
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Still. He cares for Xiao. He might even love him, so it means he wants to know the good and the bad.]
…Yes. Please.
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He summarizes how he was owned by a malicious god, and the deeds he was forced to carry out by them; how Rex Lapis saved his life, and how he became a yaksha because of it. What he details, however, are his experiences in the Chasm, going down there to find out what became of the Nameless Yaksha – ]
...I had a plan to sacrifice myself to let the others escape. None of them were in favor of it. Yelan had insisted that there were other options that we should explore before it came down to that...and thankfully, there were.
[ Fast forward to the Compass, going up to the surface – ]
In the end, I couldn't maintain the energy flow long enough for all of us to emerge. ... I was willing to lose my life to save all of theirs. I almost did, but Rex Lapis stepped in and brought me to the surface. I was spared because of him.
[ ... ]
When you've gone through certain experiences, you start to learn what you can and cannot handle. Up until that day, I had believed that I was destined to have a life of misery, but it was one I was willing to live to atone for everything I'd done. Death was something that I had prepared myself for, and it was a consequence that I was ready to accept. Then, the Traveler and I had a chat that shifted my perspective. I began to realize and accept that there were people who cared for my safety...that we were heroes, and that we would look out for one another.
[ He shakes his head. ]
I don't know if I could call myself one now, after this experience. Still, I can at least say that being here, talking to others, meeting you – it's added more value to my life than I thought it would.
[ Xiao softens. His shoulders relax. He looks at Haruka, and he reaches for his hand again. ]
And for that reason, I will fight until the bitter end, and I will only lay down my weapon if there are truly no other options. Rest assured, however, that I have zero plans on doing just that...and you are one of those I must thank for it.
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It explains a lot about Xiao, though. It explains so much about why he is the way that he is, and Haruka wishes he hadn’t gone through so much pain.
He squeezes Xiao’s hand, brow furrowing. He’s at a loss for words, truth be told, but after a moment he nods.]
If you ever change your mind and decide to sacrifice yourself, I’m going to kick your ass.
[It’s an empty threat and they both know it, but Haruka finds it hard to get out anything more sincere. His eyes stings and he can feel that his lips are trembling with emotions that he can’t let out.]
…I’m glad you’re here.
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I am glad you're here, too.
[ Xiao's hand moves to rest on Haruka's cheek, gently caresses it. He's handling his partner with utmost care. ]
I will do everything I can to live, Haruka. I promise you that.
[ ... ]
I don't want to be without you. Even if there will come a time where I must be...that time isn't now. I want to be by your side, not just when things are going well -- I want to be there for everything.
[ He hates that he can't be there for every big moment of Haruka's life, that he will have to prioritize his duties over everything and everyone else, but he hopes that there will be a way in which they can see each other again. The thought of that time never coming, though, is what compels him to continue. ]
You have given me so much, Haruka. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you, for everything you've done for me. ... I just hope that loving you will suffice.
no subject
"Love" isn't something he's ever had. His grandmother loves him, and his fans love the idea of him, but what he has with Xiao is entirely different. It feels a little silly, a little too dramatic, the thought of being so in love with someone he's only known for weeks, with a life he can hardly comprehend because it seems like something out of some game or anime, but Xiao is real and he's already put his life on the line for Haruka. Maybe it is possible to fall in love so quickly when you're put through impossible things and come out of them together.
He's overthinking things.
He is, but he can't help it, and he does actually start to cry. He's not sure if he's happy or sad or simply overwhelmed by every single thing that's happened in these past for weeks that this is all he can do in response. How embarrassing. His boyfriend just said he loves him and wants to be with him for as long as he can and Haruka is crying pathetically in front of him.]
Xiao...
[He takes a shuddery breath, trying to steady himself.]
You've done a lot for me, i-idiot. You saved my life.
[He won't forget his time in that horrible, monster-filled world any time soon.
He doesn't know what else to say. He's not like Touma, who can be so sincere it's embarrassing, but all he knows is he wants to be by Xiao's side even after they make it out of this place. (Which he prays they do, because he can't imagine making it through the final weeks were something to happen to Xiao.)]
Loving me is more then I could ask for, but I'm not about to let you go.
no subject
[ He feels himself soften when Haruka starts crying, and what he says gets Xiao to smile. He continues to brush Haruka's tears away with his thumb, and his other hand gently rubs his boyfriend's back. He moves in, not quite close enough to brush their lips together, but he wants to be in Haruka's orbit.
Gently, he brushes his lips over Haruka's forehead and his cheeks. He pulls back after, and gazes at him with that same smile on his face. ]
I will be here, for as long as I can. ... I love you.