[Xiao has gone to investigate, and Haruka is soon to follow. He knows he won't be of much use, and he doesn't want to get in the way... but he still wants to be there for Xiao. This is awful.
Xiao's already lost so many people. It's not fair he has to lose someone he was growing fonder and fonder of...
But Haruka isn't going to let him sit and dwell on it, even if they don't have much time to spare before they're going to be herded off to see if they can find the person (people?) responsible for all of this.]
[ Xiao is sitting in the karaoke area, opting to go indoors instead of by the sand, where things could interfere with the evidence he's holding onto. He has a cup with a bloody scalpel in his hands. His eyes are fixated on it.
He doesn't even answer Haruka's question -- not for a long moment. He just looks like he's deep in thought about something, and he's quiet.
Then, he sets the cup on the nearest tabletop. Xiao looks at Haruka with tired eyes, but he leans in and wraps his arms around him. Xiao buries his face in Haruka's shoulder, and it feels like he's holding onto Haruka for dear life. ]
I love you.
[ ...Words he wish he'd told Nona.
He knows better, now. He has to say it before it's too late, even if he's already told Haruka before. ]
[It's not the reaction Haruka was expecting, and it stuns him for a moment. He raises a hand, brushing through Xiao's hair, and he's quiet for a moment.]
I love you, too.
[He continues petting his hair, swallowing back his tears for a moment.]
And I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?
[He can't promise much more then that, but he's going to be at Xiao's side until they get to the bottom of this.]
[ He closes his eyes. It's not like him, to seek out comfort like this. It's not like him to be vulnerable, to trust someone so much with that vulnerability. He's not crying, though. He's just existing.
After a few moments, Xiao pulls back. He lowers his arms so they're at his sides again, and he takes in a deep breath, ignoring the darkness threatening to swallow him whole. It's been quiet, up until now. Funny, isn't it? With Haruka here, though, it makes it easier, and Xiao finally looks him in the eye. ]
Forgive me. I'll be okay.
[ He has to stay strong, not just for himself, but for Haruka. For Crea and Beel -- who knows what they might do at the trial. It's what Nona would want, after all. His heart aches for Zelkov, too -- and while he didn't know Alice, he truly doesn't believe that anyone deserved death today. ]
[Haruka cups Xiao's face, looking down at him. There's a heaviness in the air he wishes he could just sweep away, and he knows there's centuries of loss and anguish weighing down on Xiao's shoulders.]
You don't have anything to apologize for, Xiao. You're... you're allowed to be upset, you know? You're allowed to cry.
[He strokes over his cheek with his thumb, and it's odd for Haruka to be the one who feels calm.]
You're allowed this. Okay? This is fucking shitty and I know Nona mattered to you, and it doesn't mean you're weak or you failed if you just want to cry and have someone hold you.
[ Xiao's eyes widen when Haruka's hands go on his cheeks. Normally, he's the one that does the comforting and reassuring, with Haruka. It's strange for it to happen in reverse.
No one's ever told him that before, though. No one's told him that it's okay to cry, that he's not weak because he couldn't keep her safe or because he wants to sit with his feelings for a while. Xiao is a warrior, a slaughterer, a protector. And despite his minimal interaction with people, he knows that he wouldn't want just anyone to see him like this. So Xiao, who's gotten so used to suppressing his emotions, just doesn't know how to respond.
But he doesn't have to.
His eyes start getting watery again. He didn't will it to happen; it just did. And here, outside of Teyvat, where Xiao is just another victim of circumstance despite not wanting to victimize himself at all...he's really starting to learn what it means to open up.
It's why he lets out a shaky breath, closes his eyes, and quietly lets his tears fall. ]
[Seeing Xiao cry is... strange. He's generally so reserved and calm, basically the entire opposite of how Haruka is. He wouldn't be surprised if it's been several of Haruka's lifetime since he cried last, though. He doesn't get the feeling it's something he lets himself do often.
Or at all.
Haruka doesn't say anything, either, but he does move so he's sitting next to Xiao, pulling him against him so he can rest his head on Haruka's shoulder.]
[ Xiao quietly takes Haruka up on his offer and leans his forehead on the other's shoulder. His tears fall onto his lap and the couch beneath them, and he feels a number of things. Anguish, guilt...and surprise. That surprise is with himself, though, for allowing this sort of vulnerability to happen.
His shoulders shake, and his hiccups come and go. They're hushed. He doesn't wail, he doesn't sob; he just lets his tears fall before he buries his face in his hands.
It's a good thing powers are nullified here, or his karma would be feasting on all of the raw emotions he's experiencing, right now. ]
[ He doesn't respond, but his hiccups are more frequent now, which is saying something, at least. He spends the next few minutes like this, crying and wiping at his eyes while Haruka watches over him.
A form of catharsis hits him once he's started to calm down, and eventually, he lowers his hands and draws back, just a little. He can't quite meet Haruka's eyes, as he still feels a sense of shame for letting himself show weakness, but it doesn't feel quite as heavy with Haruka.
Still, he looks sad. Sadder than Haruka's ever seen him. It's probably one of the most honest moments he's had since arriving here. ]
[The way he's avoiding Haruka's eyes stings, a bit, but he can't take it personally. If it was anyone else? He'd probably be annoyed, or insulted, but it's Xiao. Xiao is too important for petty feelings like that, and all he wants is to make things better.
It feels like his heart is breaking, seeing how sad Xiao looks, and Haruka takes one of his hands, holding it with both of his own.]
I love you.
[He lets out a slow breath.]
I love you, and you've done so much more for me then I think you even know, and you didn't fail anyone, and you're not weak for being so upset. You're allowed to be more then just the... the proud, powerful yaksha you are.
[He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, wondering if any of this is even the right thing to say. He's just rambling, he knows, but it's about all he can do to not start crying himself.]
It's okay to be sad. This... might be the only time you'll be able to actually let yourself be sad, so you should. D-don't be an idiot and try to tell yourself this is a bad thing.
[ Xiao looks at him as he speaks. Haruka is trying so hard and putting his heart out there for Xiao to see, more than usual. His hands are warm and comforting while everything else feels so cold.
Xiao listens, processes what Haruka's saying. It's been a long day. He doesn't think he's ever had a day quite like this one before in his millennia being alive.
Haruka may feel like he's just rambling, but Xiao squeezes his hand, and places his free one over Haruka's knuckles. ]
I love you, too. And...thank you, Haruka. You have done so much for me, too.
[ A beat. ]
I...will do my best to follow your advice. I will get my act together for the trial. For now, though --
[He wraps his arms around Xiao, holding him tightly. For as long as Xiao needs to be held, he'll sit here. Those stupid catbots will have to drag him off if they want him to move when Xiao's not ready.]
[He gives Xiao a crooked smile. His eyes are watery, but... He knows that with Xiao at his side, he can handle what comes next. Being around him makes him feel better, even if all Haruka wants to do is cry. Hopefully this... is repaying the favor.]
[ Funny, that, because Xiao is starting to feel the same way. He knows that he cannot go home with Haruka, that he's tied to Liyue -- by choice, mind you -- but he's going to remember and savor every moment they get to spend together, here. Including this one, even if he feels some kind of way about letting his defenses drop for the first time in a while.
He's quiet, but he reaches for Haruka's hand again, holds it like it's the most precious thing he'll ever touch. ]
[Haruka smiles at him, soft and still a little sad, but... It's fine. It's fine for the moment, anyways. He's not worried about the upcoming trial just yet, forcing himself to focus on Xiao and the here and now, and... he feels better, even if he's sure Xiao still feels out of sorts.]
[ He will, too. The trial is being shoved to the back of his mind in favor of Haruka, and while he can't manage another smile, his expression at least turns a little more pensive. Better than being sad. ]
...Haruka. I don't know when we'll see each other after this. I cannot leave Liyue behind.
[ It might be months. Years. Lifetimes. And yet -- ]
Even so, I will search for a way to do so. The Traveler may know, but his journey is not one that I want to interrupt. [ ... ] I understand if waiting is too much of an ask, however. You don't need to wait for me.
[ He gently brushes his thumb over Haruka's knuckles. ]
Your happiness is too important for me to be greedy.
[ Even if he's not sure if he'll ever feel this way about anyone else. ]
[Haruka pulls back, just slightly, stunned and... and he's not sure how he's feeling, honestly.
He knew that no matter what, Xiao would return to his home. He has to - he's got important reasons to return, and Haruka isn't sure he wants to leave Japan, either...
Or if they'll even get a choice.]
What... what are you saying?
[It feels so... final. The idea of not seeing Xiao again after this terrifies Haruka, even if he knows expecting things to work out perfectly and that Xiao will always be there when he wakes up in the morning is foolish. He should be used to this feeling, but this... is a new, different sort of pain. It's different then being thrown aside by Kujou, and it's different from Ryou throwing a tantrum and trying to break ZOOL for his own means. It's...
Xiao is someone who cares for him. Someone who actually wants him to be happy, but he doesn't want to think about being happy without Xiao. Could he actually move on? He knows he's young, and he's been drifting along with such little thought or plans for the future, that... Maybe he could, but does he want to? He can't imagine meeting anyone like Xiao in Tokyo, and he can't... He can't imagine meeting anyone he could talk to, about this. He can't just pretend this never happened, but everyone will think he's insane...
Telling him that he'll find a way to get to Haruka but that he should wait for him... It hurts.
Haruka looks down, falling silent, and starts to cry. He doesn't have any idea what to do, or say, or think, and the future is just as uncertain and terrible as when Touma asked him what he wanted to do all that time ago.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pre-trial, week 5
Xiao's already lost so many people. It's not fair he has to lose someone he was growing fonder and fonder of...
But Haruka isn't going to let him sit and dwell on it, even if they don't have much time to spare before they're going to be herded off to see if they can find the person (people?) responsible for all of this.]
Hey... do you want to talk?
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He doesn't even answer Haruka's question -- not for a long moment. He just looks like he's deep in thought about something, and he's quiet.
Then, he sets the cup on the nearest tabletop. Xiao looks at Haruka with tired eyes, but he leans in and wraps his arms around him. Xiao buries his face in Haruka's shoulder, and it feels like he's holding onto Haruka for dear life. ]
I love you.
[ ...Words he wish he'd told Nona.
He knows better, now. He has to say it before it's too late, even if he's already told Haruka before. ]
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I love you, too.
[He continues petting his hair, swallowing back his tears for a moment.]
And I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, okay?
[He can't promise much more then that, but he's going to be at Xiao's side until they get to the bottom of this.]
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After a few moments, Xiao pulls back. He lowers his arms so they're at his sides again, and he takes in a deep breath, ignoring the darkness threatening to swallow him whole. It's been quiet, up until now. Funny, isn't it? With Haruka here, though, it makes it easier, and Xiao finally looks him in the eye. ]
Forgive me. I'll be okay.
[ He has to stay strong, not just for himself, but for Haruka. For Crea and Beel -- who knows what they might do at the trial. It's what Nona would want, after all. His heart aches for Zelkov, too -- and while he didn't know Alice, he truly doesn't believe that anyone deserved death today. ]
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You don't have anything to apologize for, Xiao. You're... you're allowed to be upset, you know? You're allowed to cry.
[He strokes over his cheek with his thumb, and it's odd for Haruka to be the one who feels calm.]
You're allowed this. Okay? This is fucking shitty and I know Nona mattered to you, and it doesn't mean you're weak or you failed if you just want to cry and have someone hold you.
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No one's ever told him that before, though. No one's told him that it's okay to cry, that he's not weak because he couldn't keep her safe or because he wants to sit with his feelings for a while. Xiao is a warrior, a slaughterer, a protector. And despite his minimal interaction with people, he knows that he wouldn't want just anyone to see him like this. So Xiao, who's gotten so used to suppressing his emotions, just doesn't know how to respond.
But he doesn't have to.
His eyes start getting watery again. He didn't will it to happen; it just did. And here, outside of Teyvat, where Xiao is just another victim of circumstance despite not wanting to victimize himself at all...he's really starting to learn what it means to open up.
It's why he lets out a shaky breath, closes his eyes, and quietly lets his tears fall. ]
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Or at all.
Haruka doesn't say anything, either, but he does move so he's sitting next to Xiao, pulling him against him so he can rest his head on Haruka's shoulder.]
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His shoulders shake, and his hiccups come and go. They're hushed. He doesn't wail, he doesn't sob; he just lets his tears fall before he buries his face in his hands.
It's a good thing powers are nullified here, or his karma would be feasting on all of the raw emotions he's experiencing, right now. ]
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Xiao...
[He presses a soft kiss to his hair, just like Xiao has done for him.]
Just cry as much as you need to, okay?
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A form of catharsis hits him once he's started to calm down, and eventually, he lowers his hands and draws back, just a little. He can't quite meet Haruka's eyes, as he still feels a sense of shame for letting himself show weakness, but it doesn't feel quite as heavy with Haruka.
Still, he looks sad. Sadder than Haruka's ever seen him. It's probably one of the most honest moments he's had since arriving here. ]
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It feels like his heart is breaking, seeing how sad Xiao looks, and Haruka takes one of his hands, holding it with both of his own.]
I love you.
[He lets out a slow breath.]
I love you, and you've done so much more for me then I think you even know, and you didn't fail anyone, and you're not weak for being so upset. You're allowed to be more then just the... the proud, powerful yaksha you are.
[He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, wondering if any of this is even the right thing to say. He's just rambling, he knows, but it's about all he can do to not start crying himself.]
It's okay to be sad. This... might be the only time you'll be able to actually let yourself be sad, so you should. D-don't be an idiot and try to tell yourself this is a bad thing.
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Xiao listens, processes what Haruka's saying. It's been a long day. He doesn't think he's ever had a day quite like this one before in his millennia being alive.
Haruka may feel like he's just rambling, but Xiao squeezes his hand, and places his free one over Haruka's knuckles. ]
I love you, too. And...thank you, Haruka. You have done so much for me, too.
[ A beat. ]
I...will do my best to follow your advice. I will get my act together for the trial. For now, though --
[ He moves in to lean on his partner. ]
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Don't think about the trial yet. Just...
[...]
Just focus on this moment.
[They'll have to take things one step at a time.]
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He pulls back, but not to withdraw again. He puts his hands on Haruka's shoulders and leans forward, pressing their foreheads together. ]
Thank you.
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But only metaphorically.]
You're welcome.
[He gives Xiao a crooked smile. His eyes are watery, but... He knows that with Xiao at his side, he can handle what comes next. Being around him makes him feel better, even if all Haruka wants to do is cry. Hopefully this... is repaying the favor.]
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Did I make you feel this way?
[ He feels a little guilty, for that. Xiao... ]
1/2
2/3 i keep lying about how many tags i'm doing
Idiot, I'm not upset just because you're upset!
done
Like, I don't like seeing you sad, but... it's not your fault if I'm sad, too.
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The realization that he's being silly starts to sink in, though, and he can't help but smile a little. ]
...I will keep that in mind.
[ The smile is still a little sad, though, and once it fades, he goes back to leaning on Haruka. At least he's not crying anymore... ]
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You better.
[It's a relief to see Xiao no longer smiling, though, and even giving him a smile, weak as it may be. It's just a sign that they'll get through this.
Strange, that he's finally starting to think of the two of them like this, as so inseperable, when their time here is running out.]
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He's quiet, but he reaches for Haruka's hand again, holds it like it's the most precious thing he'll ever touch. ]
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...
[He's going to miss this.]
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...Haruka. I don't know when we'll see each other after this. I cannot leave Liyue behind.
[ It might be months. Years. Lifetimes. And yet -- ]
Even so, I will search for a way to do so. The Traveler may know, but his journey is not one that I want to interrupt. [ ... ] I understand if waiting is too much of an ask, however. You don't need to wait for me.
[ He gently brushes his thumb over Haruka's knuckles. ]
Your happiness is too important for me to be greedy.
[ Even if he's not sure if he'll ever feel this way about anyone else. ]
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He knew that no matter what, Xiao would return to his home. He has to - he's got important reasons to return, and Haruka isn't sure he wants to leave Japan, either...
Or if they'll even get a choice.]
What... what are you saying?
[It feels so... final. The idea of not seeing Xiao again after this terrifies Haruka, even if he knows expecting things to work out perfectly and that Xiao will always be there when he wakes up in the morning is foolish. He should be used to this feeling, but this... is a new, different sort of pain. It's different then being thrown aside by Kujou, and it's different from Ryou throwing a tantrum and trying to break ZOOL for his own means. It's...
Xiao is someone who cares for him. Someone who actually wants him to be happy, but he doesn't want to think about being happy without Xiao. Could he actually move on? He knows he's young, and he's been drifting along with such little thought or plans for the future, that... Maybe he could, but does he want to? He can't imagine meeting anyone like Xiao in Tokyo, and he can't... He can't imagine meeting anyone he could talk to, about this. He can't just pretend this never happened, but everyone will think he's insane...
Telling him that he'll find a way to get to Haruka but that he should wait for him... It hurts.
Haruka looks down, falling silent, and starts to cry. He doesn't have any idea what to do, or say, or think, and the future is just as uncertain and terrible as when Touma asked him what he wanted to do all that time ago.]
(no subject)