[ Xiao has been making a few rounds after Ho-Oh's announcement. There's a lot that isn't sitting well with him, but unlike yesterday's malaise, he's more composed. Processing. Assessing things, hoping for the best while predicting the worst.
While he hasn't spoken much to Lacus Clyne, some things she'd said on the network stood out to him. She could have lied, sure, but something she'd said resonates with him. He will take that chance, because, perhaps, a part of him wants to commiserate with likeminded people, despite being a clown on the network earlier. He's being selective.
He will seek her out at the Seagull cabana area and knock on the door. ]
[ Lacus is rarely ever at her cabana, most often spending the days walking the beach and watching the birds. It's a stroke of luck that Xiao knocks on their door when Lacus is just on her way back - she winds up approaching him from behind, instead of opening the door from inside. Whoops. ]
[ Lacus has been smiling for a lot of the first week, and not a lot today, but she does muster up a little one in greeting. ]
Of course. Should we head somewhere a little more private?
[ It's easy enough to guess that the kinds of conversations one might want to have today are not the ones best held in the busiest spot on the island. ]
[ He can't say he really knows what a cafe is, but it seems like it'll be a nice places for conversation. The garden would've been his first pick, but...lmao. ]
[ Lacus nods at that. As morbid as it is, there is a benefit to having experienced bloodshed before. They can keep a level head now. ]
I did not think you had any intention to make light of it, it just... came out unfortunately. I understand you were in a hurry to get word out to all of us.
[ He nods at that, looks a little embarrassed, but continues on. ]
It was imperative to alert people as soon as possible. While I expected this to happen, I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon.
[ At least it wasn't because of any of them, at least. Leave it to Ho-Oh and rapt0r to be the absolute worst. ]
I think we all have a better understanding of the expectations, but I agree with your ideas. Our focus needs to be on getting off of this island, and if Ho-Oh and Rapt0r's deaths are what we need to accomplish that, so be it.
[ Lacus is silent for a moment. It is understandable that nobody is inclined to be particularly merciful towards the administrators, but she's tired of bloodshed. Does escape need to be built on sacrifice yet again? Is playing by those rules of pain really going to lead them to their desired ending? ]
If they are then... yes, so be it. But... is there reason to assume they are? They have seniority on us, a longer time to understand the workings of this place. But they do not control it. Would their deaths amount to anything more than another human sacrifice to temporarily appease the distortion?
[ Lacus is more insightful than one may assume at a first glance. He's not surprised, but her words give him pause. He's lead a life full of slaughter, repentance, violence being the answer to most things – but Xiao also knows mercy.
Even if it's hard to extend it to the two birds watching them from afar. ]
You mean to imply that they are only victims, like the rest of us are. ... I suppose you're right. We are all trapped and at the island's mercy. Perhaps it would be best to find a way to cooperate with them to stop the island itself.
I wouldn't call them 'only' victims, either. They have made the conscious choice to outsource the needed death to us, while keeping themselves safe.
[ And that is thus their responsibility to bear. Lacus still doesn't want to kill them for it, and rather prefers speaking to them and coming to an understanding, but... It's a reality that seems hard to deny. ]
But as they are not the originators of this place, their deaths would only satisfy our desire for retribution. Nothing would change.
[ On Tuesday, Lacus will receive a message from Xiao. ]
Lacus,
I saw your response on one of the strange polls that got posted yesterday. I would like to learn more about your perspective on moving forward. It is something that is...important to me.
Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere. Messages are fine, also.
[ It's a strange time to get asked for advice on something as heavy as this - if Lacus is entirely honest with herself, she's never been less sure of anything.
And still, if there is something she can do for someone else, then she'd like to do it. ]
It would be an honor to be able to discuss something so personal with you. I don't know if my conclusions will be able to bring you any peace, but I am sure a conversation will still be worthwhile.
I'm at the aquarium right now. Do you want to come find me?
That's alright. I am not expecting peace; I will be satisfied with just having gained a new perspective from someone I respect.
I will be there shortly.
[ And sure enough, he's there in a few minutes. Luckily, he'd already been on the new island, exploring the planetarium. When he approaches, he nods in greeting. ]
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I hope I wasn't interrupting anything?
[ Xiao sits on the bench, fixes his gaze on the fish. They're swimming along, providing some calming ambiance for the conversation they're about to have. He's quiet for a moment, pensive. Then, he speaks. ]
When I went to talk to you after the trial, I had mentioned that I'd hoped that people could move forward despite everything that had happened. Yet...when I saw Beelzebub on the floor, and when Haruka got injured because of my carelessness -- I felt helpless, just as I did many years ago, when I had experienced loss. The guilt that I hold from the past can often times weigh heavily on my conscience.
[ ... ]
When I read your response, I could not help but wonder how you came to view the world that way. Consider this satisfying my curiosity, if nothing else.
[ Ah... that's a loaded question, isn't it? Lacus is quiet for a moment, looking down at where her hands meet in her lap. It's not a pleasant story to share, but then, neither is what they just saw nor what Xiao may have experienced in the past. ]
My father raised me to believe in his moral code, to help him share his views of peace and coexistence with the world. Eventually, there came a point where doing so meant making myself a target for the government at the time.
My father paid the price for it in blood.
[ She's never seen the body and maybe that was for the best. Bullets upon bullets, shooting him through. She's seen the blood in the room, at least. She's been able to imagine. ]
So was I supposed to lament the decisions I made? Was I supposed to cower in fear now that something precious had been taken, betraying all that he had shared with me? I think there would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret.
Of course I feel guilty about a great many things. There is blood on my hands, and responsibility I need to shoulder. But I made each of those decisions in the full belief that they would lead to a brighter future. If doing so is a mistake, then how are we ever supposed to move forward?
[ He's quiet as Lacus retells her story. It's tragic, but Xiao is not unfamiliar with losing loved ones in such a horrific manner. Paying the price in blood...it's something he understands. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to grasp.
There would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret. That in particular sticks out to him. Xiao cannot claim responsibility for what happened to the family he'd lost – the other yakshas – but he's always been tied to the past, living in their memory and in the shadow of who he used to be. Maybe the way he's going about it is doing them more of a disservice than he'd like to admit.
A brighter future is what he's always been fighting for, anyway, even if it's not immediately obvious. ]
...I see.
[ Her story seems to resonate with him, perhaps more than either of them were anticipating. ]
You've been through more than what I expected. It takes courage to move forward from tragedy in the way that you have. [ Perhaps she thinks otherwise, but like he's told her before, he can only speak for himself and his own thoughts. ] I am the sole surviving yaksha – I protect the world from monsters that have manifested from the hatred of the fallen gods. I have spent centuries believing that I only knew bloodshed, that I was not a hero, but a slaughterer. I had only started to change that perspective before arriving here, but even so, the memories of the past continue to torment me.
[ And that's all tied to his Karmic Debt, but he won't go into that right now. ]
Yet, when you mentioned your desire to move forward in pursuit of a brighter future, I could not help but realize that, perhaps, I am the same. I would not be so focused on preserving life if that were untrue. And I will not claim that my actions here have been perfect, but I have always kept the way forward in mind.
Hearing that this way of thinking is not a mistake...it makes me feel less foolish for being cautiously optimistic, in that way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w1 saturday, after All of That
While he hasn't spoken much to Lacus Clyne, some things she'd said on the network stood out to him. She could have lied, sure, but something she'd said resonates with him. He will take that chance, because, perhaps, a part of him wants to commiserate with likeminded people, despite being a clown on the network earlier. He's being selective.
He will seek her out at the Seagull cabana area and knock on the door. ]
no subject
Oh my, hello Xiao. Are you looking for somebody?
no subject
You, actually. Do you have a moment?
[ He looks pretty calm, considering everything, indicating that whatever discussion he wants to have will be civil. ]
no subject
Of course. Should we head somewhere a little more private?
[ It's easy enough to guess that the kinds of conversations one might want to have today are not the ones best held in the busiest spot on the island. ]
no subject
[ He can't say he really knows what a cafe is, but it seems like it'll be a nice places for conversation. The garden would've been his first pick, but...lmao. ]
no subject
[ As good a place as any that is not right between everyone's bedroom doors. Lacus starts walking in the direction without further questioning. ]
You've seen the body, right? Are you alright?
no subject
[ His tone is steady, gaze fixated on the path up ahead. ]
...I apologize for that announcement. The others who were around were occupied, so I took matters into my own hands, and I got ahead of myself.
It's troubling, how some others didn't seem to take it seriously at all. Despite the message I sent, I do not take death lightly.
no subject
I did not think you had any intention to make light of it, it just... came out unfortunately. I understand you were in a hurry to get word out to all of us.
no subject
It was imperative to alert people as soon as possible. While I expected this to happen, I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon.
[ At least it wasn't because of any of them, at least. Leave it to Ho-Oh and rapt0r to be the absolute worst. ]
I think we all have a better understanding of the expectations, but I agree with your ideas. Our focus needs to be on getting off of this island, and if Ho-Oh and Rapt0r's deaths are what we need to accomplish that, so be it.
no subject
If they are then... yes, so be it. But... is there reason to assume they are? They have seniority on us, a longer time to understand the workings of this place. But they do not control it. Would their deaths amount to anything more than another human sacrifice to temporarily appease the distortion?
walks back in here!!
Even if it's hard to extend it to the two birds watching them from afar. ]
You mean to imply that they are only victims, like the rest of us are. ... I suppose you're right. We are all trapped and at the island's mercy. Perhaps it would be best to find a way to cooperate with them to stop the island itself.
no subject
[ And that is thus their responsibility to bear. Lacus still doesn't want to kill them for it, and rather prefers speaking to them and coming to an understanding, but... It's a reality that seems hard to deny. ]
But as they are not the originators of this place, their deaths would only satisfy our desire for retribution. Nothing would change.
week 4, Tuesday
Lacus,
I saw your response on one of the strange polls that got posted yesterday. I would like to learn more about your perspective on moving forward. It is something that is...important to me.
Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere. Messages are fine, also.
no subject
And still, if there is something she can do for someone else, then she'd like to do it. ]
It would be an honor to be able to discuss something so personal with you. I don't know if my conclusions will be able to bring you any peace, but I am sure a conversation will still be worthwhile.
I'm at the aquarium right now. Do you want to come find me?
no subject
I will be there shortly.
[ And sure enough, he's there in a few minutes. Luckily, he'd already been on the new island, exploring the planetarium. When he approaches, he nods in greeting. ]
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I hope I wasn't interrupting anything?
no subject
You weren't - I was just watching the fish. I think we'll find that pairs quite well with heavy conversation. They're relaxing.
[ She scuttles over to make a bit more space on the bench next to her. ]
no subject
When I went to talk to you after the trial, I had mentioned that I'd hoped that people could move forward despite everything that had happened. Yet...when I saw Beelzebub on the floor, and when Haruka got injured because of my carelessness -- I felt helpless, just as I did many years ago, when I had experienced loss. The guilt that I hold from the past can often times weigh heavily on my conscience.
[ ... ]
When I read your response, I could not help but wonder how you came to view the world that way. Consider this satisfying my curiosity, if nothing else.
i am so sorry for the late
My father raised me to believe in his moral code, to help him share his views of peace and coexistence with the world. Eventually, there came a point where doing so meant making myself a target for the government at the time.
My father paid the price for it in blood.
[ She's never seen the body and maybe that was for the best. Bullets upon bullets, shooting him through. She's seen the blood in the room, at least. She's been able to imagine. ]
So was I supposed to lament the decisions I made? Was I supposed to cower in fear now that something precious had been taken, betraying all that he had shared with me? I think there would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret.
Of course I feel guilty about a great many things. There is blood on my hands, and responsibility I need to shoulder. But I made each of those decisions in the full belief that they would lead to a brighter future. If doing so is a mistake, then how are we ever supposed to move forward?
i am ALSO sorry for the late!
There would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret. That in particular sticks out to him. Xiao cannot claim responsibility for what happened to the family he'd lost – the other yakshas – but he's always been tied to the past, living in their memory and in the shadow of who he used to be. Maybe the way he's going about it is doing them more of a disservice than he'd like to admit.
A brighter future is what he's always been fighting for, anyway, even if it's not immediately obvious. ]
...I see.
[ Her story seems to resonate with him, perhaps more than either of them were anticipating. ]
You've been through more than what I expected. It takes courage to move forward from tragedy in the way that you have. [ Perhaps she thinks otherwise, but like he's told her before, he can only speak for himself and his own thoughts. ] I am the sole surviving yaksha – I protect the world from monsters that have manifested from the hatred of the fallen gods. I have spent centuries believing that I only knew bloodshed, that I was not a hero, but a slaughterer. I had only started to change that perspective before arriving here, but even so, the memories of the past continue to torment me.
[ And that's all tied to his Karmic Debt, but he won't go into that right now. ]
Yet, when you mentioned your desire to move forward in pursuit of a brighter future, I could not help but realize that, perhaps, I am the same. I would not be so focused on preserving life if that were untrue. And I will not claim that my actions here have been perfect, but I have always kept the way forward in mind.
Hearing that this way of thinking is not a mistake...it makes me feel less foolish for being cautiously optimistic, in that way.