[ On Tuesday, Lacus will receive a message from Xiao. ]
Lacus,
I saw your response on one of the strange polls that got posted yesterday. I would like to learn more about your perspective on moving forward. It is something that is...important to me.
Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere. Messages are fine, also.
[ It's a strange time to get asked for advice on something as heavy as this - if Lacus is entirely honest with herself, she's never been less sure of anything.
And still, if there is something she can do for someone else, then she'd like to do it. ]
It would be an honor to be able to discuss something so personal with you. I don't know if my conclusions will be able to bring you any peace, but I am sure a conversation will still be worthwhile.
I'm at the aquarium right now. Do you want to come find me?
That's alright. I am not expecting peace; I will be satisfied with just having gained a new perspective from someone I respect.
I will be there shortly.
[ And sure enough, he's there in a few minutes. Luckily, he'd already been on the new island, exploring the planetarium. When he approaches, he nods in greeting. ]
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I hope I wasn't interrupting anything?
[ Xiao sits on the bench, fixes his gaze on the fish. They're swimming along, providing some calming ambiance for the conversation they're about to have. He's quiet for a moment, pensive. Then, he speaks. ]
When I went to talk to you after the trial, I had mentioned that I'd hoped that people could move forward despite everything that had happened. Yet...when I saw Beelzebub on the floor, and when Haruka got injured because of my carelessness -- I felt helpless, just as I did many years ago, when I had experienced loss. The guilt that I hold from the past can often times weigh heavily on my conscience.
[ ... ]
When I read your response, I could not help but wonder how you came to view the world that way. Consider this satisfying my curiosity, if nothing else.
[ Ah... that's a loaded question, isn't it? Lacus is quiet for a moment, looking down at where her hands meet in her lap. It's not a pleasant story to share, but then, neither is what they just saw nor what Xiao may have experienced in the past. ]
My father raised me to believe in his moral code, to help him share his views of peace and coexistence with the world. Eventually, there came a point where doing so meant making myself a target for the government at the time.
My father paid the price for it in blood.
[ She's never seen the body and maybe that was for the best. Bullets upon bullets, shooting him through. She's seen the blood in the room, at least. She's been able to imagine. ]
So was I supposed to lament the decisions I made? Was I supposed to cower in fear now that something precious had been taken, betraying all that he had shared with me? I think there would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret.
Of course I feel guilty about a great many things. There is blood on my hands, and responsibility I need to shoulder. But I made each of those decisions in the full belief that they would lead to a brighter future. If doing so is a mistake, then how are we ever supposed to move forward?
[ He's quiet as Lacus retells her story. It's tragic, but Xiao is not unfamiliar with losing loved ones in such a horrific manner. Paying the price in blood...it's something he understands. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to grasp.
There would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret. That in particular sticks out to him. Xiao cannot claim responsibility for what happened to the family he'd lost – the other yakshas – but he's always been tied to the past, living in their memory and in the shadow of who he used to be. Maybe the way he's going about it is doing them more of a disservice than he'd like to admit.
A brighter future is what he's always been fighting for, anyway, even if it's not immediately obvious. ]
...I see.
[ Her story seems to resonate with him, perhaps more than either of them were anticipating. ]
You've been through more than what I expected. It takes courage to move forward from tragedy in the way that you have. [ Perhaps she thinks otherwise, but like he's told her before, he can only speak for himself and his own thoughts. ] I am the sole surviving yaksha – I protect the world from monsters that have manifested from the hatred of the fallen gods. I have spent centuries believing that I only knew bloodshed, that I was not a hero, but a slaughterer. I had only started to change that perspective before arriving here, but even so, the memories of the past continue to torment me.
[ And that's all tied to his Karmic Debt, but he won't go into that right now. ]
Yet, when you mentioned your desire to move forward in pursuit of a brighter future, I could not help but realize that, perhaps, I am the same. I would not be so focused on preserving life if that were untrue. And I will not claim that my actions here have been perfect, but I have always kept the way forward in mind.
Hearing that this way of thinking is not a mistake...it makes me feel less foolish for being cautiously optimistic, in that way.
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week 4, Tuesday
Lacus,
I saw your response on one of the strange polls that got posted yesterday. I would like to learn more about your perspective on moving forward. It is something that is...important to me.
Let me know if you would like to meet somewhere. Messages are fine, also.
no subject
And still, if there is something she can do for someone else, then she'd like to do it. ]
It would be an honor to be able to discuss something so personal with you. I don't know if my conclusions will be able to bring you any peace, but I am sure a conversation will still be worthwhile.
I'm at the aquarium right now. Do you want to come find me?
no subject
I will be there shortly.
[ And sure enough, he's there in a few minutes. Luckily, he'd already been on the new island, exploring the planetarium. When he approaches, he nods in greeting. ]
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I hope I wasn't interrupting anything?
no subject
You weren't - I was just watching the fish. I think we'll find that pairs quite well with heavy conversation. They're relaxing.
[ She scuttles over to make a bit more space on the bench next to her. ]
no subject
When I went to talk to you after the trial, I had mentioned that I'd hoped that people could move forward despite everything that had happened. Yet...when I saw Beelzebub on the floor, and when Haruka got injured because of my carelessness -- I felt helpless, just as I did many years ago, when I had experienced loss. The guilt that I hold from the past can often times weigh heavily on my conscience.
[ ... ]
When I read your response, I could not help but wonder how you came to view the world that way. Consider this satisfying my curiosity, if nothing else.
i am so sorry for the late
My father raised me to believe in his moral code, to help him share his views of peace and coexistence with the world. Eventually, there came a point where doing so meant making myself a target for the government at the time.
My father paid the price for it in blood.
[ She's never seen the body and maybe that was for the best. Bullets upon bullets, shooting him through. She's seen the blood in the room, at least. She's been able to imagine. ]
So was I supposed to lament the decisions I made? Was I supposed to cower in fear now that something precious had been taken, betraying all that he had shared with me? I think there would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret.
Of course I feel guilty about a great many things. There is blood on my hands, and responsibility I need to shoulder. But I made each of those decisions in the full belief that they would lead to a brighter future. If doing so is a mistake, then how are we ever supposed to move forward?
i am ALSO sorry for the late!
There would be no greater betrayal of his sacrifice than to regret. That in particular sticks out to him. Xiao cannot claim responsibility for what happened to the family he'd lost – the other yakshas – but he's always been tied to the past, living in their memory and in the shadow of who he used to be. Maybe the way he's going about it is doing them more of a disservice than he'd like to admit.
A brighter future is what he's always been fighting for, anyway, even if it's not immediately obvious. ]
...I see.
[ Her story seems to resonate with him, perhaps more than either of them were anticipating. ]
You've been through more than what I expected. It takes courage to move forward from tragedy in the way that you have. [ Perhaps she thinks otherwise, but like he's told her before, he can only speak for himself and his own thoughts. ] I am the sole surviving yaksha – I protect the world from monsters that have manifested from the hatred of the fallen gods. I have spent centuries believing that I only knew bloodshed, that I was not a hero, but a slaughterer. I had only started to change that perspective before arriving here, but even so, the memories of the past continue to torment me.
[ And that's all tied to his Karmic Debt, but he won't go into that right now. ]
Yet, when you mentioned your desire to move forward in pursuit of a brighter future, I could not help but realize that, perhaps, I am the same. I would not be so focused on preserving life if that were untrue. And I will not claim that my actions here have been perfect, but I have always kept the way forward in mind.
Hearing that this way of thinking is not a mistake...it makes me feel less foolish for being cautiously optimistic, in that way.